Maine or bust!

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Unreasonable expectations?

I was reminded recently (thanks Sarah!) that I haven't posted a weigh-in for a while. That's mainly because I'm lazy, but also largely because I've been fluctuating between 275 and 279 since the last time I posted. I just keep going back and forth, making no real progress, and generally feeling off. I had "IT" taken out in December (the evil IUD that made me have my period for 3 straight months). Since I had it taken out, I expected this liberated feeling, that my hormones would shortly be back to normal, and life would be skittles and beer. Now they're weirder than ever, I have this odd lump that needs to be checked out (before anybody panics, I'm pretty sure it's an abcess, but it's in a place no abcess should ever be found, and I'll leave it at that), and my emotional state is all over the map. (I cried during a Smashmouth song while driving to work this morning.)

As I mentioned, I've been feeling a bit off. A bit of nausea at random moments (and no discernable cause for it), random headaches inserted a bit more regularly into the schedule, and massive (and weird) undeniable food cravings. Ever craved something with gravy and chocolate at the same time? I have now! Ugh. So I stepped on the scale this morning, and then I saw it. 280. TWO HUNDRED AND EIGHTY. Remember how I said I'd never hit 280 again? 280 is my new 310 (which is my personal highest weight). I was so disgusted with myself when I saw 310 on the scale that I got motivated, got moving, and lost 30 lbs. I broke 280 and I was thrilled. I managed to briefly break 270 after a bout of stomach flu, but that's kind of cheating. And now I'm at 280 again.

This is about how I feel right now. The whale, not the woman standing next to it...

I've been a bit out of control with the eating. It's not so much the amounts, but the choices have been bad (a lot of fast food again, after I'd gotten out of the habit, and a lot of sugar - too much sugar). Until last night. Last night, I went to the grocery store and bought a couple of deli salads and some pancetta (uncooked smoked pork, for the uninitiated). I went to school, bought a book, since I'd forgotten my iPad at my mom's this weekend, and I ate the two deli salads and the pancetta. Now, for most people, one of the deli salads would have been satisfactory. I have no idea why I continued eating. I have no idea HOW I continued eating. But eat them both, I did, with a helping of fat-laden pork on top of it *sigh* It's about 20 hours later, and I still feel full and bloated.

I'm pretty much positive that I did this to myself as a result of signing up for Biggest Loser at work (again - when will I learn?). What I can't for the life of me figure out is WHY I do it. I sabotage myself every time, and I'm tired of it. I know that my body wants to hibernate and I've been in hibernation mode for a while now, but shouldn't what *I* want count for something???

It's time to bring out the big guns. I clearly cannot be trusted to control myself when left to my own devices. At least, not while my hormones are raging and my body is doing all kinds of weird things. It's time for South Beach, and not the prissy little half-baked South Beach I was doing a few months ago where I allowed myself to improvise at will. Nope. It's time for hard-core, stick-to-the-book, Phase One South Beach (anyone who's ever read the SB diet is groaning in sympathy right now... the two weeks of Phase One are not pleasant). Rob, children, consider this fair warning that I will be a raving maniac by Friday. Anyone who sees me coming within touching distance of starches for the next two weeks has permission to slap me.

On to knitting (much happier subject, YAY!). Since finishing Rob's hat, I've kind of been in a funk. I desperately want to cast on a new project, but the guilt over not finishing the blanket is starting to get to me. There is no earthly reason why I should not be able to finish the last two half-blocks of the blanket tonight (I'd like to start assembling it this weekend). If I manage to finish them both this evening, then I will allow myself to cast something new on tomorrow (so that I'll have something to knit at the kids' swimming class on Thursday!). I shall report back tomorrow. Happy knitting!

No comments:

Post a Comment