I'm so excited!!!!

First off, I'm going to the gym tonight with my friend Kari (no, I did not go last night... it's really hard to get back out of the house in the evenings with the kids... maybe Curves, which is a few blocks from my house... we'll see). YAY! Last night, I stopped off at Canadian Tire and picked up 5 and 10 lb free weights, a yoga mat, and some hand grips. Still need a 20kg kettlebell weight and an exercise ball (maybe a medicine ball too). Then I'll be able to do MOST of my gym workout at home. That will have to wait for my next paycheque though.

This is what I've started my new Doctors Without Borders scarf in:

It's Boutique Changes by Red Heart. There are six different yarns in there (there's even a sparkly metallic one). Sadly, I can't adjust the colour (don't have Picasa on this computer) but it's a bit darker than that. This is DWB Scarf # 2:

And now.... what I'm so excited about :D Guess what I did last night?

I planted four pellets of tomatoes (the whole package had 10 seeds in it... ripoff!), eight of chives, twelve of curled-leaf parsley, and six each of sweet basil and cilantro :) Each one of those mini-greenhouses has twelve pellets in it (they really are pellets, and then you pour warm water on them, and they expand into clumps of dirt!) Hopefully they will sprout and I'll have a little balcony garden this summer. I'm planning to add a rhubarb plant (in a planter, obviously) and maybe an avocado if I can ever get one to sprout!

Winds of change...

I'm finally starting to feel a bit more human today, so here I am. Yesterday was spent schlepping Skye to the doctor's office (she's fine, this was an anticipated visit), appliance browsing with Jeff and doing groceries. I've entered the Harlot's black hole on the first Doctors Without Borders scarf... I could have sworn I would finish the thing last night, but there it is, unfinished, looking no longer than it did before I picked it up. *sigh*

This morning's breakfast was a delicious smoothie made from a quarter of a pear, two large strawberries, a kiwi, a handful of baby spinach leaves and some vanilla yogurt. It took me half the morning to drink it (it was only about 1.5 cups), but it was good! I think next time I may peel the kiwi though... and perhaps toss in an ice cube or two. I've got such a variety of fruit in the house right now that the kids are having a ball and I'm getting to actually enjoy some of it! (Trainer told me I needed to eat more fruit.)

Mine actually contains apples, bananas, grapefruit, pineapple, strawberries, blueberries, kiwi, nectarines and plums right now.

I haven't been to the gym since Friday, and I feel like a lump. No excuses tonight, I have to go. Especially as this week's yoga class has been cancelled (lucky instructor is living it up in Turks and Caicos). Everyone around me is ill right now, including Zachary. I'm clinging to my ColdFX for dear life and drinking as much as I can.

I should have worked on Rob's blanket last night, but I ended up hardly picking up any knitting at all (see above, with never-ending scarf). Today, I cast on a new Doctors Without Borders scarf out of some Red Heart Boutique Changes (it's actually pretty nice stuff, before anybody cringes at the words "Red Heart"). This is my new "at work" project. I'm trying to keep a wider variety of projects going to avoid getting bored... however, I may have missed the point of this exercise by having three of the same scarf on the needles.

It has felt remarkably like spring this past week. The temperature has been hovering between -5°C and 5°C, there's a lot of melting going on, and it just feels awesome. Lots of sunshine today, and I'm feeling that I should be starting some seeds for the window boxes I want to put on the balcony. I wonder how a rhubarb plant would do in a pot... I'd rather have it on my balcony rather than have the upstairs neighbors toss cigarette butts at it from the 3rd floor balcony.

Rob will be here in EIGHT days :D Cleaning needs to be done tonight! 

Watching the wheels....

Actually, this weekend has felt more like spinning my wheels than anything else. Friday afternoon after work, Sarah and I went to the gym. I made another brief attempt at the elliptical, and I just can't do it. Does this frustrate me? Oh hell yes. But anyway, I moved on to a treadmill and did my warm-up, and then we hit the machines and free weights for a solid 30 minutes. Then we went to the Royal Oak for dinner (mmmm Black & Blue Salad! and we shared a plate of Black & Tan Onion Rings) and then on to Bridgehead for our Friday Knit Night! I've never arrived for a knit night that late in the evening before! And after everything else, I really wasn't into knitting, so I did a few rows on each scarf and then just sat there staring aimlessly, wishing for a nap LOL

Saturday, I was working a 6-hour shift, so no gym. I don't consider working at the store to be "exercise", but it definitely takes a lot out of me physically, and I didn't want to overdo it. I squeaked out a bit early (they were looking to cut hours) and headed to my aunt's house. We have a bit of a tradition going that once or twice a year, my aunt, my brother and my cousin work out a menu full of dishes from a particular country, my aunt buys the groceries, and my brother (with assistance from my cousin, who could be a gourmet chef if he wanted to) make dinner for us. This time, it was China. OMG YUM. I ate like a pig, but I did stop and push myself away from the table before I was stuffed (which I'm very proud of myself for... I have little control when it comes to stopping). Then we played asshole until 1am and we all went home :)

Sunday morning, I was working an opening shift, so again, no gym. Then it was off to pick the kids up and driving across town to my mom's house for Zachary's birthday dinner! Again, not too much into the knitting because I was tired... I managed to get a few rows done on one of the scarves, but that's it. After a dinner of ribs, chili and cheesecake (two of those three are Zachary's favorite foods), we headed home to bed.

As a consequence of all this running around, I feel like I got absolutely nothing done this weekend. No dishes, no cooking, no laundry... bleh. Of course, the absence of any (waking) time at home also means I didn't make any progress on Rob's blanket, which is a problem because he'll be here in ten days. I also need to finish reading one of the books I'm working on for class, and start writing an outline of my paper. GAH. Ten days... I can do that, right? :)

In other news.... on Friday, Sarah and I hit Knit Knackers before going to the gym. They were having a 50% off discontinued yarns and odd balls sale. Um... twist my arm? Tomorrow, I may share a picture of the haul I came home with, effectively ending the yarn diet (well, temporarily... it's back on now). I have resisted a number of sales for this yarn diet, and I've been knitting exclusively from stash for a while, but folks, I got skeins of NORO for like $3. (My knitting friends are now going, "oooooh" and everybody else is thinking, "Big freaking deal.")

I'm still impatiently waiting for my avocado pits to sprout. I've got one going at home, and one at the office. I replace the water every day, and I talk to them and everything. Little buggers better sprout!

No pics today, so SQUIRREL!

Candle's burning low...

I've been dragging myself out of bed every morning, and I know that part of it has to do with the angst I've been feeling about the whole weight thing, but part of it is just yearning for daylight and warmth and green. I do still have hope though... I've got an avocado seed in water on my desk, hoping it'll germinate - my mother grows these things in her sleep, and I've never been able to get one to germinate!

I got up this morning (a bit early for me... managed to drag my sorry ass out of bed at 6:30, while I usually hit the snooze button until at least 6:45), got Zachary to empty the dishwasher, refilled it, and got a load of laundry in all before leaving for work. The kids help a lot by getting their own lunches together, although I always go through them before we leave the house (you never know what you're going to find in there). I got *no* knitting done at all last night, although I did figure out how I was going to connect the blanket squares, both for Rob's blanket and for the baby blanket.

Today was yoga, and it was rough. I think I'm still a bit sore from Tuesday's workout (last night I treadmilled for 30 minutes). Two hours later, I'm very tired. Spring is coming, but it's not here yet, and my energy levels are still in the toilet LOL (Maybe I need to go on another caffeine purge... get rid of the diet coke and just drink water). I may just nap in the car while the kids are at swimming. I don't think I can take another session at the gym today. Besides, I have a gym buddy tomorrow! :D (which means I have to go, which means 3 days this week so far, plus one day of treadmill!) Maybe if I'm feeling super ambitious, I'll hop on the treadmill before bed.

So tonight, I think I'm going to concentrate on getting my space in order (somewhat), enjoying my kids, enjoying a nice cup of tea, and maybe flipping my mattress. Because there's always this:

And spring is coming. I promise.

What my problem is...

I made a startling discovery this morning. First off, a bit of back story. I did not end up going to the gym on Monday evening. I had a midterm, the kids were not being cooperative, and I was freaking out slightly (sorry guys!). I did walk around on campus for a while, but there was no significant exercise being done. I also didn't visit the gym over the weekend, mainly because of my belief that being tired and sore is not a good idea when you have to be on your feet for 4-5 hours. I did have a session with Avril the wonder-trainer yesterday, and boy can I feel it today! (Today might be a cardio-only day... I haven't decided yet).

So yesterday, I was in the gym, and I was semi-hungry and semi-nauseous (she says it's normal that when your body starts building up lactic acid through muscle-toning exercise, you will feel a bit nauseated). It was hard work, and I was not wearing gym-appropriate clothing. I was wearing office-appropriate clothing. So resolution one: I need to buy something to wear to the gym that isn't embarrassing for me or for my fellow gym members ;) I was getting hot, and sore, and I was working really hard. And there were tears. This shamed me to no end. I cried while working out.

Now, we're not talking full-out sobbing, wailing that it was too hard and I couldn't do it (like you might see on Heavy). This was more tears slipping out the corners of my eyes and I was powerless to stop them. I kept going, and I kept crying, and I was a bit disgusted with myself. She kept telling me how well I was doing, but I kept calling myself a failure in my mind because I was crying at the gym. I kept telling myself what a weak, pathetic idiot I was for thinking that I could do this. The fact that there were a few guys lifting pretty heavy weights and grunting away next to me probably didn't help... Big hulking guys lifting weights, fat girl crying while tossing a medicine ball.

I was still pretty down about the whole thing when I talked to Rob later in the evening, and him trying to encourage me and cheer me up just brought me down further, because I was convinced he couldn't possibly understand and I was pathetic and he just wasn't seeing it. This morning, I stepped on the scale and nearly started sobbing right there (I'm actually tearing up as I type this). 282. I remember back in October, I promised myself I would never cross the 280 threshold again... I remember in November when I broke the 270 threshold (for a day) and how excited I was. How did this happen? How did I gain back 14 lbs? I have come to two startling realizations.

One: I am terrified of success. Why? I have no idea. Ever since I was about ten years old, I have seen myself as fat and disgusting. My ex-husband has informed me that before I got pregnant, I was actually pretty hot, and when I look back at pictures of myself as a teenager, I really needed help with my hair, but my body was fantastic. So what's with the fat problem? The problem is, I've never SEEN myself as anything other than fat, so a very large (no pun intended) part of me is afraid of what will happen. (or not happen... I think a small part of me is afraid no one will notice, no one will care, and I'm not sure why I care what anyone else will think, but I really do!)

Two: I need to stop getting on the scale. This morning, I actually had this thought: "I gain two pounds every time I go to the gym... why am I doing this again? What the hell's the point if I'm actually going to gain weight?" Now, the problem with this is that intellectually, I know that as I replace fat with muscle, muscle weights (a lot) more and I'm going to gain a bit before I start to lose. I've been eating reasonably well (pizza night last week notwithstanding...), I've been exercising a lot more, and my clothes fit better than they did. I feel stronger, I feel more empowered, so who cares what the bloody scale says? (I do... I SO do, but I have to stop). The whole Biggest Loser thing at work isn't helping either. Here I am, heading down every Friday morning like a lamb to the slaughter, waiting to see how badly I did this week. It needs to stop. I need to stop obsessing over the numbers, and just do what I know will ultimately work, without thinking about what the scale might say. That's REALLY hard for me. So resolution two: I will not get on the scale until Rob arrives on March 1st (I'll actually get on March 2nd, because he arrives late at night). I'm going to put the scale away, and hopefully I'll be able to stick to this. I'm also going to pull out of biggest loser at work, because it stresses me out, and I promise I won't sign up next time it rolls around. *sigh*

I am also very sore today, but I'm not going to take painkillers because it's pain that I earned. I worked hard for it, and I'm going to enjoy it and let it remind me of how hard I worked yesterday and that this totally IS worth it.

(for anyone who came around for knitting news today, I haven't got much... worked a bit on the one-row scarves, and I think I finally found a good joining method for the baby blanket and Rob's blanket, so I'm getting moving with those... Unfortunately, I have a couple of big projects due mid-April, one of which I wanted to have at least a draft of by the end of the month, so I'm doing a lot of school reading).

Monday Midterm Madness!!!

Okay, I just liked the alliteration. I'm not panicking and I'm actually kind of looking forward to my midterm this evening. Why? Because it's open book, I really like the subject matter, and I think it'll be awesome :) (For those who don't know, I'm taking "Histoire de la langue française" at UQO as part of my Bachelor degree in Translation.) However, the exam doesn't start until 7pm, so what will I be doing before that?

I'm going to the gym :D I have my second session with Avril the wonder-trainer tomorrow, and I didn't visit the gym over the weekend. Not for lack of time/willingness, but because I was working a shift each day at the store, and I figure that 4 hours on my feet is enough of a workout ;) I'm going by myself, I'm going when the gym will be busier than mid-day, and I'm going to enjoy it! I think I discovered endorphins last week, and I think I like them!

In the knitting world, I have a new project that I'm extremely excited about (I started to type "super-excited", thus revealing my French side to everyone... Anyone who's ever met a bilingual franco-ontarian knows that we use "super" for everything in English). Anyway... the girls at Knit Night know that I've been going bonkers over the Yarn Harlot's One-Row Scarf. I can not get enough of this thing. I've got several on the needles, and I never get bored with it! I was thinking to myself, "Self," I said, "we don't wear scarves... so what are we planning on doing with all these scarves?" This was surely a connundrum. I thought about it for a while, and then got a flash of inspiration.

I've been trying to figure out how to donate to Doctors Without Borders (to support the Knitters Without Borders effort), since I don't have a credit card, and don't really like mailing cheques (or anything, as evidenced by the Valentine card I got Rob, which is currently sitting on my desk mocking me). I also don't make a tonne of money, so the opportunity to donate is rare. So I looked at this pile of scarves I'm making, and I put that together with the KWB thing... and lightning struck my brain. I had an apostrophe! Why don't I sell the scarves as a means of raising funds and donate the proceeds to KWB/DWB? I realize that the pattern doesn't belong to me, and isn't meant to be sold, so I did what any responsible knitter would do, and I asked the designer for permission.

Yes, I emailed the Harlot herself to ask if I could use her pattern for this effort. Dudes, I do not need to tell you how I squee'ed like a fangirl when I got her reply. I'm not even exaggerating. I squee'ed out loud, scaring the crap out of both cats and deafening Rob in the process. I was so excited, I could barely sit still to read the email! So with her kind permission, I'm going full steam ahead with this project :) I will knit as many one-row scarves as I can, and then try to sell them for $15 each to raise money for Doctors Without Borders. I'm using stash yarn to do this, so there will be all kinds of scarves. Cotton, wool, acrylic, nylon, bamboo... I've got piles of yarn, so I'm going to try to make as wide a variety as I can.

The only hitch is... I can't figure out how the heck I'm going to sell them. It's not like I can just set up a table on a streetcorner and yell, "Scarves for charity! Come buy a scarf and support a great organization!" I'm still working on that part. If you have a suggestion, shout out in the comments please :) (or if you'd like a scarf, let me know!)

The Friday Report

I was told quite firmly that I had to report back what happened with the trainer today. First of all, I have a confession to make. My friend Kari asked me to go to the gym last night, so... I did. I took it easy though, because I didn't want to be too sore to work with the trainer today (or bawl through the workout because I knew she wouldn't let me use it as an excuse LOL). We did 15 minutes on the treadmill, and then tried to do 10 minutes on the bike. Now, this is a huge step for me. I have not successfully gotten on a bike since I was 18. I had a failed attempt from several years (*ahem* TEN) ago, so I wasn't looking forward to that bit. I managed to do 0.75 miles in 7 minutes! :D YEAH!

So then we did some nautilus weights and called it a day (about 50 minutes, all told... after a 1 hour yoga class earlier in the day!). Today, I was psyched. I was a bit sore, but nothing I can't handle. At lunch, I walked over to the gym, met Avril (trainer) and got started. I am now sore, but happy. She kept commenting on how strong I was for someone who didn't use weights and that she was surprised how well I was doing considering how critical I've been of my abilities :) I won't say it was easy, and I won't say I liked all of it (I did not like the ball, for instance... not great for someone with no balance, but I did it anyway), but it was pretty freaking awesome, and when it was all said and done, my workout was 1 hour, 15 minutes :)

I won't be going to the gym tomorrow, since I'm working a 7 1/2 hour shift at the store (being on my feet for 7 1/2 hours feels like enough of a workout anyway), but I'm going to try to get there on Sunday before work. I'm going to try not to obsess about food and calories, etc. I'm going to concentrate more on exercise and keeping myself moving instead of stagnating in a chair, and the weight loss will follow. As it is, I eat pretty well. I just need to remind myself that certain things are not to be eaten every day, and that treats are meant to be special. (for instance, I'd rather go out for a hand-made gelato rather than buy discount candy at the grocery store).

Fridays are Knit Nights for me, and I have very exciting news to share, but I'll wait until I get there (I don't want to scoop myself by blogging it). Rob will be here in three weeks, so I want to get started on blanket assembly this weekend, but that's not a knit night thing (it's a bit much to carry around), so I've got two scarves on the go. I'm hoping to finish one this weekend (so I can start another one... all part and parcel of the exciting thing I have to tell you all!).

The traffic here is growing by leaps and bounds. I'm amazed! I think a friend must have linked me somewhere, because I'm getting new followers, and new traffic (hi there!) and it's awesome! And now, I leave you with a small distraction:

SQUIRREL!

I don't know why he's purple (probably someone was playing with photoshop), but my arms hurt, so I need to stop typing LOL